by Kathryn Kovacevich, RP – Registered Psychotherapist
What Is Your Good Enough?
Is that just trying? Can it be a mix of success and failure? Or is it only a successful outcome?
The ability to intrinsically recognize our “good enough” supports self-esteem and helps us make aligned choices.
Furthermore, can “good enough” be something we feel and know?
What Is “Good Enough”?
In my work, I describe “good enough” as doing the best we can with what we know, within the circumstances at the time. As time continues and our knowledge increases, we can make new decisions along the way.
As humans are fallible, “good enough” can indeed vary, even while there is consistency. When we can notice and feel “good enough,” intrinsic validation becomes a normal part of life. The more intrinsically aligned we are, the less we look for external validation or rely on the opinions of others to feel good.
External validation, especially in adulthood, is limiting because it is never guaranteed, nor is it always necessarily true to our feelings, even if it is objectively accurate. External validation often prompts the thought, “I know that happened,” rather than the feeling, “I feel I did well.”
I have noticed that intrinsically aligned folks will even feel the “good enough” before receiving external validation and/or feedback, and will also accept that feeling from within. In contrast, those who struggle with intrinsic validation often feel uncomfortable or may not even believe positive feedback or compliments. These folks may know they did well logically, although they do not feel it. It can become an endless cycle of chasing the feeling of finally being “good,” while the feeling of “good enough” continues to be missed.
Folks who rely on external validation to know they did well, or who see “good enough” only as success, may struggle to recognize the following as worthy:
- Waking up sluggish for whatever reason and still deciding to commit to the morning run, even though the time was slower.
- Presenting at a work meeting and experiencing a slight delay in communicating an idea because, in that moment, for whatever reason, it is challenging to articulate the thought.
- Playing a board game and losing.
- Studying the best you could and not receiving the expected mark.
While the examples listed above are not inherently “successful” outcomes, they can still reveal intrinsic adequacy because you did the best you could. This concept can be daunting for those who have high standards and fear failure.
Sometimes you can even objectively do well but struggle to feel it. For example, doing well on a test and feeling disappointed that you did not do “better,” or doing well in an event and feeling let down that you were not more successful.
A theme I have noticed with this demographic is that self-worth is linked to “success.” Therefore, not “winning” can feel like a deep personal letdown. This nervous system injury can be quite wounding, as it is completely unrealistic—and actually impossible—to achieve constant success while living as a human.
Typically, this nervous system wound has developed through many situations and experiences in which failure and loss led to emotional unsafety:
- Criticism, yelling, or silent treatment following mistakes and failures.
- Receiving positive feedback and emotional connection mostly in response to successes.
- A lack of conversations about feelings or emotional attunement following experiences involving failure and letdown.
- Hearing critical or demeaning language about others who fail or make mistakes.
I consider these self-imposed high standards to be a sincere attempt by the nervous system to feel safe and good: “Well, if I succeed, then I am supposed to be worthy.” Even when “success” occurs, however, the feeling of “I did well enough” is not guaranteed.
Subsequently, the lack of emotional space for failure perpetuates avoidance and internal harshness, including the inner critic. For healthy human development, it is necessary to be exposed to the truth that:
I am allowed to fail and make mistakes.
I am allowed to feel sad, frustrated, and let down about mistakes.
Mistakes and failures do not define me as a person.
While they hurt, failures can enhance knowledge and skills.
I can do “good enough” and still miss the mark.
The more space we can give to “good enough” being flexible, the more we can continue to make authentic choices rather than avoid them, because at least we get to say, “I did the best I could.”
When we own that, we can hold compassion for ourselves and attune our nervous system to what is reasonable, rather than chasing the impossible.
If this resonates with you, support is available.
— Kathryn Kovacevich, Registered Psychotherapist
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