by Kathryn Kovacevich, Registered Psychotherapist
In therapy, one theme shows up again and again: people struggle to cope with tough feelings. Sadness, shame, anger, worry, confusion — these emotions can feel overwhelming. And when we push them down, they often shape our deeper beliefs and thought patterns in ways we don’t even realize.
Understanding Where Feelings Come From
Let’s start with the basics.
Feelings are short-term physiological reactions that give us information about ourselves and the world around us. They help us understand what’s happening so we can make choices that support our safety and wellbeing.
This has always been part of being human.
Think of our early ancestors:
- Feeling fear when threatened → run to safety
- Feeling anger when treated unfairly → defend themselves
- Feeling guilt after causing harm → make better choices next time
The important part isn’t the feeling itself — it’s the ability to notice it and then choose what to do next.
Feelings Are Not Behaviours
This is where many people get stuck.
Feelings are internal states, not actions.
- Feeling anger is the emotion.
- Yelling or throwing something is a choice — not the anger itself.
Because feelings and certain behaviours are often linked in our minds, it can be hard to separate the two. But learning that difference is a huge part of emotional health.
When Feelings Are Dismissed
Many of us grew up being taught — directly or indirectly — that our feelings didn’t matter. Maybe we heard things like:
- “You’re fine, don’t worry about it.”
- “Snap out of it.”
- “It’s not a big deal.”
- “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
- “That’s a stupid thing to be upset about.”
When feelings are minimized, we’re left with confusion, self-doubt, and a disconnect from our true selves. Over time, these messages can turn into painful internal beliefs:
- I’m bad for feeling this way.
- My needs don’t matter.
- My feelings are less important than others’.
- I’m not good enough.
These patterns are especially hard to unlearn when they come from parents, caregivers, or other important figures in our lives.
Why Avoiding “Bad” Feelings Backfires
Humans are capable of feeling pain and continuing to live full lives. But when we’re taught to avoid uncomfortable emotions, we end up avoiding situations that trigger them too. This limits our confidence, authenticity, and ability to make healthy choices.
The more connected we are to our feelings, the more easily we can navigate life.
Healing Starts With Understanding Our Origins
In therapy, a key piece of healing is exploring where these emotional patterns came from. When we process the old hurt, we gain the freedom to write a new story — and make new choices.
Take a moment to reflect:
- What was it like to express tough feelings when you were growing up?
- Were you comforted or dismissed?
- Can you name five feelings easily?
- Is it easy or hard to notice your emotions as they happen?
- Did you feel safe expressing yourself?
- Do you still react to your emotions the way your younger self did?
These reflections can reveal so much about your current emotional world.
Re-Parenting: Supporting Yourself Now
As adults, part of healing means learning to care for ourselves in the ways we didn’t receive earlier in life. This includes:
- Noticing our feelings
- Validating them
- Responding with compassion
- Making choices that support our wellbeing
Validation doesn’t make us avoidant — it makes us resilient.
The more we can sit with our tough emotions, the more we expand our window of tolerance and make choices aligned with who we truly are.
Repairing Your Relationship With Feelings
Begin by gently noticing:
- Where do feelings show up — your mind, chest, stomach, throat?
- Do different emotions feel different in your body?
- What are your feelings trying to tell you about this moment?
Then, try offering yourself permission:
- “I’m allowed to feel _______.”
- “This feeling makes sense in my situation.”
- “I can feel _______ and still move forward one step at a time.”
- “Feelings don’t control my actions — I do.”
Notice what shifts when you validate your feelings and still choose what supports your wellness.
Be Patient With Yourself
If you’ve spent years — or decades — dismissing your emotions, noticing them may feel strange at first. Trusting your feelings takes time, practice, and patience.
No meaningful skill is built overnight.
But every moment you choose to notice, validate, and honour your emotional experience, you are rewriting your story in a powerful way.
Kathryn Kovacevich is an experienced and caring Registered Psychotherapist with Emkiro’s Tele-health Clinic. Appointments are available at emkiro.ca