by Kathryn Kovacevich, RP
Do you find yourself going along with others “just because”? Agreeing even when it’s low stakes, struggling to share your true opinion, or having difficulty maintaining boundaries?
If so, you may be engaging in people-pleasing behaviours. Recognizing this is the first step in the healing process.
Origins
People-pleasing often comes from a sincere place. It can feel “safe.”
Ask yourself: what feeling sits underneath the behaviour?
In practice, people-pleasing is a coping strategy used to manage difficult underlying emotions. While it may provide temporary relief, it often leads to longer-term frustration, stress, and internal conflict.
This happens because the nervous system detects:
- Incongruence
- Lack of authenticity
- Cognitive dissonance
These responses are normal. The nervous system recognizes when we are not being genuine, even if we try to rationalize it.
People-pleasing creates a cycle:
- Temporary relief
- Followed by discomfort
- Repeated again and again
Self-Reflection
Think about the most recent time you people-pleased.
What did you feel beforehand?
- Worry
- Nervousness
- Uneasiness
Next, explore why:
- Is it safe for me to be honest?
- How will they react?
- Will they be upset with me?
- Will I be judged?
Underlying Fear Response
People-pleasing often reflects a fear response developed to maintain safety in relationships.
At some point, the nervous system learned:
Expressing yourself leads to negative outcomes.
These experiences may include:
- Being belittled, criticized, or yelled at
- Having opinions dismissed or minimized
- Receiving silent treatment or passive-aggressive responses
As a result, authentic expression becomes associated with emotional danger.
People-pleasing then develops as a strategy to:
- Avoid harm
- Reduce conflict
- Maintain perceived control
The Limitation of Control
This pattern often involves trying to control others’ reactions by being “agreeable.”
However:
- You cannot control how others think, feel, or respond
- This strategy is not sustainable
- It can prevent connection with healthy individuals who value authenticity
Healing and Therapy
Therapy supports repair of nervous system wounds tied to interpersonal experiences and helps build authentic expression.
Key areas of focus include:
- Processing interpersonal trauma
- Identifying healthy vs. unhealthy relational responses
- Practicing healthy responses, even when difficult
- Accepting what is within your control vs. what is not
- Letting go of perfectionism in favour of “good enough”
- Expanding emotional tolerance for others’ reactions (e.g., disappointment, upset)
- Separating others’ reactions from your self-worth
- Developing assertiveness skills (setting boundaries, saying no)
Moving Forward
People-pleasing patterns can change.
With support, emotional wounds can heal, allowing for new, healthier choices and more authentic relationships.
Change is possible.
Learn more and/or book an appointment to speak with Kathryn Kovacevich, Registered Psychotherapist via Telehealth on Emkiro’s Health Team Page